Her Hair
by Shawanda94
Summary: Kensi and Deeks bond over... Hair? Kind of angsty, Deeks family history, set in Romania after the finale.
1. Heart to Heart

**Well, this is my first time writing an NCIS LA fic, but if you're a fan of the original NCIS too, you should totally check out my other stories :) (I'm a shameless self-promoter) Anyway, I saw the whole Kensi/Deeks pairing from the beginning, and I'm finally doing something about it! As usual, this idea came to me at a very inopportune moment (in the shower, on my study break; I hate finals) so I'm going to write this very fast, but I hope it turns out alright :) let me know (wink wink)**

**Oh, this takes place right after the end of the finale, when they're in Romania.**

**Disclaimer: you all know what goes here, it's pretty self-explanatory. **

Marty Deeks watched his irate partner glare at her reflection in the foggy mirror. Apparently, the calming shower he'd suggested hadn't been quite as calming as he'd thought it would be.

"- just don't see why they had to hole up in their room to sort this out on their own," she was currently ranting. "It affects all of us! Why can't we help?"

She would have continued her tirade, but Deeks cut in, "Kensi!" He winced slightly as she turned her furious gaze to him. "Hey, just think about this for a second, okay? Callen just realized that what little he thought he knew about his past isn't at all true. He has to deal with the thought that everything anyone ever told him was a lie, and he really has no idea who he is. You'd want to be alone too, wouldn't you? Don't even try to tell me you wouldn't," he said as she opened her mouth to argue.

She sighed and turned back to the mirror, grabbing her brush. "I hate being kept in the dark, that's all," she growled as she started ripping the brush through her hair. Deeks frowned. "Everything with Hetty, and the director, and this Lauren Hunter! Who is she anyway? According to G she can't even shoot! Why on earth would-"

"Kensi!" Deeks broke in again. This time her piercing glare didn't faze him. "Come here. You're going to hurt yourself." At her confused look, he raised his eyebrows and motioned her over to the bed where he was sitting. Never one to back down from a challenge, even if she didn't know what it was, Kensi strutted over and stood in front of him. "What?"

"Give me the brush and sit down," he ordered sternly. Surprised, she complied, turning to sit on the edge of the bed with her back to him.

Without another word, he confidently took a few strands of her damp, tangled hair and began gently brushing it smooth. She had beautiful hair, he thought, not for the first time. Her dark curls bounced back into place just moments after the brush passed through them. After a few moments of blessed silence, she said quietly, "You've done this before."

It wasn't a question. Deeks sighed. "Yeah... When my mom got sick I had to help her out a lot. On the bad days she couldn't lift her arms, so this was my job. I... had to take care of my little sister a lot too, even before Mom was diagnosed."

The particularly stubborn knot he had been working on was yanked out of his hands as Kensi turned to look at him in astonishment. "You have a sister?"

He gave her an exasperated look. "Hey, I almost had that one untangled! Turn around."

To his mild surprise, she obeyed. He found the snag pretty quickly and quietly worked for a minute before answering her question. "Yes," he said. "Michelle." The faint smile that crossed his face when he spoke the name did not go unnoticed by Kensi, who watched him in the mirror that hung over the desk across the room.

"She had long blonde hair that got tangled if you so much as touched it. She had to have it long though. She cried when Mom or I cut the ends off," he laughed softly. "Man she loved her hair."

Kensi watched as the reminiscent smile faded into something darker.

"Dad... cut it off one day in a drunken rage. Almost took her ear off too."

Kensi couldn't help the gasp that broke through her lips, though he didn't seem to hear it.

Laughing mirthlessly, he continued, "I was so mad. I yelled at him. Think I may have thrown something too, maybe a lamp? I don't know. I don't really remember much. I do remember him breaking my arm though."

Kensi's heart broke for the little boy Deeks had once been, robbed of his innocence too early in life. "How old were you?" she whispered.

Deeks flinched at her voice. He'd almost forgotten she was there. "Nine," he answered automatically. "Michelle was six. That was the day I decided I had to do something, though I didn't until three years later. Michelle was terrified of him. Couldn't stand to be alone in the house with him; I had to take her everywhere with me. No one really minded though, she was a sweet girl. Everybody loved her."

He'd finally finished brushing Kensi's hair and was unconsciously braiding it, imagining his sister's shining blonde hair instead of his partner's beautiful brunette. He hadn't even realized what he'd said until she brought it up a few minutes later.

"Deeks," she started hesitantly, "What do you mean you didn't do anything until three years later?"

His hands froze in her hair. "I- nothing. It was nothing," he tried to brush it off.

Of course, being Kensi, she wasn't going to let it go. "Come on Deeks! You would have been eleven, right? It's not like you-" She stopped, and Deeks watched her eyes go round with realization. "Gordon John Brandell," was all she said. It was all that needed to be said. He simply nodded and tied off the finished braid. She immediately turned to face him.

"He was your father," she clarified. Again, Deeks only nodded. "Oh, Deeks," she whispered. He couldn't meet her eyes.

"He had a shotgun," he explained, needing her to understand, to not hate him.

"Deeks, I don't blame you at all!" Kensi told him forcefully, knowing exactly what he was doing. She lifted her hand to his cheek, brushing away the tear she found there.

"Kens, I shot my own father," he whispered, another tear joining the first.

Without thinking, she pulled him into her arms. "And if you hadn't he would have shot you," she replied.

After a moment, he pulled away. "My mom."

Puzzled, she asked, "What?"

"He would have shot my mom. Not me."

She reached out and grabbed his hand this time, knowing he needed something to hold onto, and sensing he wasn't done with his story yet.

He gave a short, barking laugh, and said, "You know, I regretted shooting him a few years later, when Mom got sick. I used to lie in bed and think, why didn't I just grab the gun? He was in jail, Mom was dying, and I was only fourteen. I knew if we got thrown in the foster system we'd get separated." His laugh was more genuine this time. "Apparently Mom knew it too, though we never talked about it. She died a week after I turned eighteen."

"You never talk about your sister," Kensi said curiously after a long silence.

His eyes turned dark again, and he fixed them on the generic, ugly hotel duvet. "No," he sighed. "She... got into some bad stuff after Mom was diagnosed. I tried to help her, but I was also trying to keep my grades up, and make enough money to keep us in our house and to get Mom her meds. I guess... I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most. She... she disappeared the night of the funeral. Left me a note that said she was... pregnant. She said she didn't want to have to see how disappointed I was in her, and she didn't want to burden me with her mistake. She told me not to look for her. Of course, I did, but I... All the years hiding from Dad made her good at disappearing."

Kensi didn't think he realized he was crying at this point. She gathered him into her arms again, and held him as he poured out everything he'd kept locked inside for all these years. She had to wonder if he'd ever told anyone what he'd let out tonight. As she blinked, a tear of her own slid down her cheek.

A long while later, they were lying next to each other on the bed previously designated as his, but neither of them thought the other bed would be getting much use that night. "You know," she started quietly, her voice hoarse from crying, "Eric and Nell could find her."

She felt him nod. "Yeah," he sighed. "I just... I don't know what I'll find. And I'm not sure I want to know. It scares me." Kensi gently squeezed his hand in reassurance.

"I know," she said. They both knew she understood perfectly. "When we get back, when you're ready, we'll both ask them, okay? You ask Nell to look for Michelle, and I'll ask Eric to look for Jack," her voice wavered only slightly when she said his name. "And when they find them, we'll be there for each other, just in case. Okay?"

Deeks had to smile at her determination. "Okay," he agreed.

Kensi stuck out her hand. "Shake on it," she said.

Laughing, they shook on it.

**So, now that you've read it, you have to tell me what you think :) (and be sure to check out my other stories :) )**


	2. We're Really Doing This

**Well, this chapter goes out to gsr4ever (my first AWESOME reviewer!) If the email account I used for my fanfic account actually existed (shh...) I would send you a very long thank you message. I didn't realize how much potential this story had until you pointed it out. So, THANKS :) It's kind of short, but its more of a connector chapter and I will (hopefully) have the actual stories up soon! **

**This takes place after the whole Romania issue, but I'm not going to touch that, I'm just going to assume they all made it out alive :) (and for all intents and purposes they simply took a sabbatical from work, 'cause please, its not like they won't all get hired again)**

"Hey, Nell!" Deeks jogged up the steps after her. Turning and giving him a slightly surprised look, she smiled and said, "Good morning Deeks."

"Yeah, beautiful day," he said, sounding slightly distracted. "Waves were good this morning. Lots of people out. I saw some dolphins, they seemed really cheerful, you know jumping through the waves, making all those weird noises-"

"Deeks," Nell cut his rambling off with a strange look. "Do you, uh... need something?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "Yeah, I..." he trailed off, not entirely sure how to ask her. He finally settled for pulling the tattered old picture out of his wallet. "This is Michelle Madeline Brandel. The picture's about thirteen years old, so it probably won't be much help, but..."

Nell gently took the faded picture from him. The girl looked like she was about fifteen, with beautiful, long blonde hair, and troubled eyes. Startled, Nell looked up at Deeks, and into the exact same eyes. Their hair was also precisely the same shade, though that was where the resemblance ended.

Nodding slowly, Nell assured the clearly worried detective, "I'll find her."

Deeks nodded and mumbled a quick thanks before hurrying down the stairs again, leaving Nell staring curiously after him.

"If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it, if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it,"Eric sang in a quiet falsetto as he entered his sanctuary. "Don't be mad once you see that he want it. If you liked it then you shou-" He froze upon realizing that his chair was occupied by a brunette agent who was not, in fact, at her desk where she usually was.

His gray eyes met Kensi's mismatched ones. She was clearly fighting laughter.

The long silence was occasionally punctuated by a beep from one of the multiple computers scattered around the dark room.

Finally: "You didn't see anything..." he mumbled, blushing.

Kensi lost the battle. Eric's face grew even redder at her gleeful gales of laughter.

Pulling out his headphones, he shuffled over to her to turn on his computer. "Deeks get too annoying? You hiding from him up here or something?" Eric asked over her snickering.

"I'm not hiding from anyone," she retorted, still grinning at his humiliation. "I was actually waiting for you." She couldn't help the chuckle that escaped at the end of her sentence.

"You couldn't have done that down at your desk?" Eric grumbled.

"Well, if I'd known I was going to get a show..."

"You'd have brought a camera?" Eric finished for her.

Kensi snorted again. "Probably. However, I swear I will never tell anyone, _if_ you do me a favor and promise not to tell either."

Startled by her suddenly serious tone, Eric turned to see the somber, stoic federal agent she usually personified. Mystified by her sudden change in demeanor, he raised his eyebrows and waited for her to continue.

"I need you to help me find someone," she said softly, and if Eric didn't know her better, he'd say she sounded a little nervous.

"Sure," Eric said, a little relieved. He'd been slightly worried she wanted him to hack the CIA or, worse, Hetty. Locating people was easy and significantly less illegal and dangerous. Sliding into the chair she vacated for him, he paused and looked up at her. "This is off the books, right?"

At her nod he said, "Okay, I need a name." 

"Jack Louis Tailor. Tailor like the person who makes clothes, not the usual spelling. He was a marine."

Eric tried to focus on his screen instead of how tense she sounded. He'd brought up the search box and had begun typing in the name when her hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Not now, okay? When... when you have time?" Swiveling in his chair to get a better look at her face, Eric got the impression that she wasn't quite ready to face this Jack Louis Tailor.

"Okay," he agreed. "I'll let you know in a few days."

"Thank you," Kensi said softly as she left the room.

Eric watched her go, wondering who exactly this man was.

Later that night, after a long day of paperwork, the two agents were curled up on Kensi's couch, watching Top Model. Deeks would probably never confirm this theory, but he believed that the show was one of Kensi's favorites because she needed to know that there really were people out there whose biggest problems were what they were going to wear and if they had a matching purse.

"So," he began as the commercial break started. "I talked to Nell today."

Normally, Kensi would have said something sarcastic, ("So did the rest of us," came to mind) but she realized what he was trying to say. Pretending she was absorbed in the commercial for new and improved trash bags, she said, "I talked to Eric this morning."

Feeling his heavy gaze on her, she finally tore her eyes away from the TV. "We're really going to do this aren't we?" he asked.

"We already have," Kensi replied, attempting to downplay the situation. Her eyes never left his. "What do we do when we find them?" he asked. Kensi could tell he was a bit frightened by the idea that they would soon have the information they needed to find their long lost companions. She was terrified, though she'd never admit it.

Taking a deep breath she answered, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, I suppose."

Slightly unnerved by his unwavering stare and their unusually somber conversation, she returned to the TV in time to see the introduction for the show. "Judging's starting," she commented, effectively ending the discussion, though it was a long time before she felt his intense gaze leave her.

For the rest of the night, her mind was filled with memories of her former fiance, and his with thoughts of the little girl he swore to protect.

**Reviews make me write faster! (seriously, they do. They inspire me :)**


	3. Michelle

**Well, I didn't really have much of a plan in mind when I wrote this, so it kind of wrote itself. It turned out to be... very long, to say the least, its the longest story (or part of a story) I've ever written! I'm so proud of myself! Hope you like it and leave me lots of reviews :)****  
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"Well, I'm calling it a day," Deeks proclaimed as he looped his bag around his shoulders and grinned at the incredulous looks of his teammates.

"There's no way you're done with that report!" Callen accused. "I'm not even halfway done."

"Me neither," Sam said, eying the detective suspiciously.

"Well, that's because you two took an hour long break to play for Champion of the World in the Trash Can Olympics," Deeks snorted.

Callen grinned at the glare his partner sent him. "You cheated," Sam grumbled. "I know you did. I just don't know how. Yet."

"You're just a sore loser," G replied innocently.

Deeks smiled at Kensi, who was watching the two arguing men in amusement, and made his way out of the bullpen. He was passing the stairs when Nell called, "Deeks! Wait, um, I need to show you something." Deeks turned to look at her, puzzled until he saw her face. Nerves gathered in the pit of his stomach as he realized what was about to happen.

"Sure," he said tightly, and followed her back up the stairs.

Back in the bullpen, Callen frowned. "What was that?"

"Don't know," Sam said. "Kensi?" They both looked over to the junior agent's desk. She was staring at the doors Nell and Deeks had just disappeared behind with a worried look on her face. "Kens?" Sam called again.

Startled, she returned her focus to them. "Sorry, what?"

"You know what's going on?" Callen asked, watching her reaction curiously.

Mutely, she shrugged and went back to her report, suddenly seeming very interested in it. Callen and Sam watched her skeptically for a moment before glancing at each other again, silently conversing. Callen raised an eyebrow. Sam shrugged. Callen nodded in agreement, and they both silently began typing their reports.

Up in Ops, the subject of their speculation was staring at a photo of a bruised, battered woman. "When was this?" he asked tersely.

Nell sighed. "This is the most recent, it was about two weeks ago."

Deeks tensed at her words. "Most recent? How many other times?"

Nell took a deep breath. "As far as I can tell, she's been admitted eleven times over the past three years, under several different first names, though the last name is always Wilde. On this report, she was Maddi Wilde."

Deeks couldn't take his eyes off the woman. He'd recognize her beautiful blonde hair and her clear blue eyes anywhere. They matched his own. He also recognized the signs of domestic abuse. He'd seen them enough as a child and as a cop. "Where?" he asked sharply.

"Several different hospitals and addresses over the years, but the place of residence on this report was a small house about 40 miles south of here." Nell pulled up a map and tapped a point near the coast. She watched the detective's face closely as he took this all in. He stared at the map for a few strained moments, then said, "I want all the reports."

"Deeks-" Nell started.

"I want the reports," he repeated forcefully.

"Don't do this to yourself," she said softly.

"Just email them to me, I'll print them at home," he ordered, ignoring her plea.

Seeing he had made up his mind and nothing was going to change it, she sighed and pulled up her email account. She sadly pulled the folder into the email and told it to send. When she turned to face him again, he was gone.

With a guilty heart, Nell walked out on the balcony and looked over the railing. The team below was staring at the door with expressions that ranged from confused to worried. Kensi looked up and caught Nell's eye. Nell nodded toward the door, telling Kensi that her partner needed someone.

Nodding subtly in agreement and thanks, Kensi stood up and shut down her computer. Paying no notice to the strange looks she got from the others, she bade them a distracted goodnight and followed Deeks out the door.

"Okay, something's up," Sam muttered. Both he and Callen turned to face the balcony where Nell stood. "Crap," she murmured as they stood up. Quickly grabbing her bag, she raced down the steps, slipping between the two men. "Oops, 'scuse me, gotta go!" she called over her shoulder.

The partners stared after the small woman. "We are officially being avoided," Callen commented.

* * *

><p>Deeks sat at his laptop, staring at the unopened message from Nell. He'd lost count of how many times he'd reached out to click on it, only to lose his nerve. His stomach hurt from the nerves that hadn't disappeared yet. He was reminded of how he felt right before a bust. This time, though, he had no weapon, and the bad guy was a file on his computer.<p>

Finally, after a very stern talking to from his subconscious and a mental slap, he clicked on the email. However, before he could open the attachment, there was a knock on his door. Secretly glad for the excuse to wait just a little longer, he jumped out of his chair and grabbed his Beretta. Peering through the peephole, though, he found he wouldn't need it. Opening the door, he raised an eyebrow at his partner. She held a case of beer. Were this any other time, he would have laughed at how typical that was of her.

"We said we'd be there for each other," Kensi said in way of explanation when he just stood there.

Sighing, and unwilling to admit he was happy he wouldn't be alone, he opened the door wider in invitation. Accepting the invitation, she entered and put the beers down on the coffee table.

After grabbing one, he sat down at his desk again, and Kensi joined him a minute later with her own. For a few moments, they simply sat there, gazing at the screen. "Do you know what's in the file?" Kensi asked gently, finally breaking the silence.

"Yep," Deeks sighed.

After a few moments, Kensi asked, "How long have you been sitting here staring at it?"

Deeks snorted. She knew him so well. "'Bout half an hour."

"You don't have to do this right now, Marty," she said softly. Her use of his first name startled him. "It's not going anywhere."

For some reason, her words emboldened him and quickly, before he could change his mind, he clicked on the paperclip icon in the corner of the screen. A folder opened, showing several documents, all labeled by date. The first was New Years Day 2009. Bracing himself, he opened it.

He distantly heard Kensi gasp beside him. The first thing that was in the document was a face shot of his baby sister, bloody, bruised, and broken. Scrolling down, he found a list of all her injuries. _Broken nose, split lip, fractured cheekbone, black eye, various cuts and bruises on arms and legs..._

Closing that file, he clicked on the next one. Then the next one, and the next. After a while, he found he could barely see the screen anymore, his vision was so blurry. Lifting a hand to rub his eyes, he was surprised to discover tears. He didn't know if he was crying out of sadness, regret or anger. Maybe a mix of all three.

He looked over to find Kensi still sitting next to him. "I..." he choked out, not really sure what he was going to tell her but feeling that he should say something.

"Shh..." She shook her head, and gently wiped a few tears off his cheek. "We're done for tonight." Closing his computer, she reached out and grasped his hand tightly. Standing up, she pulled him into his bedroom. Too tired to protest, he followed.

"Lie down," she whispered, "I'll go lock up." Numbly, he did as she said.

He wasn't sure how long it was before she joined him, but when she did, she pulled him close and held him as he cried for the little girl unable to escape violence.

A long while later, after his tears subsided, he took a deep breath and said what he'd been thinking since he'd seen the first picture. "I have to see her."

To his surprise, Kensi was still awake. Nodding against his shoulder, she replied quietly, "You know we'll all be there if you want us to be."

He'd seen that coming. "Yeah, I know. I think... I want to do this on my own though."

Again, he felt her nod. "Okay."

Nothing more was said as they both drifted into a restless sleep filled with dreams of angry men and injured women.

* * *

><p>Deeks drove slowly down the unfamiliar road, scanning the street names for the one that would supposedly lead him to his sister. He snorted as he caught a glimpse of silver in the rear view mirror. He thought it was hilarious that his partner thought he wouldn't notice she'd followed him.<p>

He hesitantly pulled up to number twelve, the address on the hospital forms. Two dirty children were playing in the poor excuse for a yard with some bent silverware and a plastic phone. They glanced up at his arrival. He removed the keys from the ignition and studied them, a boy and a girl. They both had familiar dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. "Mama?" the girl called. She was the older of the two, maybe seven. The boy looked about four. "Mama somebody's here!"

"Who is it, baby?" came the sweet, innocent voice that even thirteen years couldn't change. The owner of said voice appeared in the doorway. Upon seeing him at the edge of the property, she came out into the yard. "Take your brother inside, okay?" she told the little girl quietly.

Deeks almost opened his mouth to reassure her he wouldn't hurt them, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. Michelle was very thin, and had deep circles under her eyes, and a few fading bruises on her arms. There was a small cut in her eyebrow. The bigger one on her arm that had landed her in the hospital a few weeks back was still healing. "Can I help you?" she asked cautiously.

"Hi," was all he could manage. Her long hair was flying in the breeze, and it brought back so many memories of their childhood together.

"Hi," she replied suspiciously. "Do you need something?"

Deeks let out a short laugh. "You don't recognize me, do you?"

Michelle frowned. "No... Should I?"

He took a few careful steps forward, not wanting to spook her. "Well, I guess my hair was a little shorter last time you saw me. Academy didn't want it long, but once I graduated..." He trailed off as he saw her eyes widen. "Oh..." she breathed as she came closer, slowly, as if she was unable to believe he was actually there. He knew the feeling. "Marty?"

Laughing nervously, he nodded. Her hand came up to cover her mouth. She stared at him a moment more before she rushed to him, into his open arms. Deeks felt the tears well up as he buried his face in her hair. Even after so long, she still smelled like the watermelon shampoo their mother used to wash her hair with. He held her tightly in her driveway, oblivious to the outside world.

Gently kissing her hair, he pulled back slightly, so he could see her face. Laughing softly, he tenderly wiped a tear off her face. "Found you," he whispered. "Finally." The last part was added bitterly.

Michelle shook her head. "No, don't you dare. I know you're mad at yourself, but _I_ told you _not_ to look for me. I changed my name, I did ridiculous things just so you _wouldn't_ find me. I'm actually pretty amazed that you did," she laughed through her tears. Oh, Marty had missed that laugh. "Come on in." She took his hand and led him into the shabby house.

"Do you want some coffee or something?" Michelle asked, sounding kind of unsure. Deeks smiled.

"Yeah, yeah coffee's good." Standing in the doorway, he took the chance to look around the tiny kitchen while she was clattering around, seeming slightly nervous, trying to get the fixings for coffee together. The wallpaper was yellowed and peeling, and the counters were cracked and covered in food and papers and dishes. The table crowded the kitchen even more, and looked like it would barely fit four people and their plates. He frowned seeing that it was covered in rings from wet beer bottles. A second glance at the counters showed more than a dozen empty bottles, and several glass bottles of varying other types of alcohol.

Turning back around and finding a frown on her long-lost brother's face, Michelle followed his gaze to the evidence of an alcoholic living in the house. "Um..." she started uncomfortably. "Sit, please." She gestured to the table. He wiped the frown off his face and gingerly sat on one of the rickety chairs. "Coffee's ready. Do you want milk? Sorry, I don't have cream..."

Deeks shook his head and accepted the mug gratefully. "Black is fine."

She smiled ruefully at that. "You really are a cop, huh?"

Deeks grinned in affirmation. They sat together in awestruck silence until the little girl who had been playing outside peeked her head in the doorway. "Mommy? Can we go back out now?"

"Yeah, baby, stay in the yard though okay?"

She grinned gleefully and replied, "Okay Mama!" already on her way out the door. "Sammy! We can play outside!" The toddler's heavy footfalls were accompanied by his infectious giggles as he followed his sister into the yard.

"Sammy?" Deeks asked staring at the space his niece had previously occupied. Michelle smiled happily.

"Samuel Martin Wilde." Deeks looked up at the boy's middle name. Laughing softly, she said, "I couldn't not... honor you somehow."

Deeks couldn't help the feeling of pride that swelled in his chest. "What's her name?" he asked when he trusted his voice again.

"Danielle Rebecca." Deeks smiled sadly when he recognized her daughter's middle name as well. It had belonged to their mother. "She just turned seven last week, and Sammy will be four in November."

Deeks gazed into his coffee, unsure how to word what he had to ask. "Neither of them are old enough to be..." He struggled for the words. Luckily, he didn't need to find them.

"I lost the baby five months in," his sister sighed. "Doctors said it was because I wasn't getting enough of the nutrients he needed. It's... hard to find prenatal vitamins on the street. Anything else, sure, there's a guy for that, but vitamins... Sometimes I'd get enough money to splurge on them, but not often enough."

Deeks' heart ached at the thought of his baby sister in the harsh street life, and for the nephew that had never known life at all. He opened his mouth to ask why she hadn't stayed, but thirteen years out of contact hadn't changed the fact that she knew him too well; she easily guessed what he was thinking. "I know I shouldn't have left, I just... I couldn't..." She looked out the window over the rusty sink, unable to meet his eyes.

They sat in silence again before she asked suddenly, "How did you find me?"

Setting his coffee cup down with forced gentleness, he reached for the paper stuffed into his back pocket. He tossed it on the table in front of her. She gave him a puzzled glance before unfolding it.

She inhaled sharply, paling as she recognized the picture. "Hospital records," he said simply.

"They said these were sealed!"

Deeks laughed mirthlessly. "I have... friends in high places."

"Clearly," Michelle muttered as she placed the picture face down on the table.

"Shelly," Deeks whispered, using his childhood nickname for her.

She stood up abruptly. "You should go. Andrew will be home soon and I have to make dinner."

"Andrew?" Deeks asked curiously, hiding his fury well. "Is he the kids' father?" _Please say no, please say no,_ he thought desperately as he waited for the answer.

"No," Michelle said distractedly as she opened and closed cupboards, trying to find something to cook for dinner. Deeks caught the sigh of relief before it escaped.

"I was just wondering, 'cause obviously Wilde wasn't your name last time I saw you."

"No, I changed it myself when I turned eighteen. Didn't have much use for a last name before that..." She paused in her rifling through the cabinets and stared off into the distance for a moment, obviously remembering things she'd rather forget. "Anyway, no, Andrew's last name is Navari." Deeks suppressed a triumphant laugh.

Michelle froze. "I shouldn't have told you that," she sighed.

Deeks attempted to look innocent. "Why?"

Her response was a look that said she wasn't buying it.

He simply smiled and asked, "Where's the bathroom?" She sighed again and pointed down the hall.

He went in the direction she gestured, forcing himself to walk casually. He looked around the rest of the house as he went. The carpets were brown and looked like they were older then he was, and the stains on the cracked wooden walls were less than reassuring. The furniture was mismatched and torn. He pushed the memories of his childhood home into the back oh his mind. He had more important things to focus on now. When he reached the tiny bathroom, he locked the door behind him, pulled out his cell phone and quickly dialed Nell.

"Hello?" she answered, sounding slightly wary. After the last time she'd seen him, she wasn't sure what his frame of mind would be.

"Andrew Navari," Deeks said. "Tell me you got something on him." He could hear the keys clacking as she typed. "Umm... Ooh, I have something you'll like." Her mischievous smile was evident in her voice.

"Hit me, baby," he said happily.

"He's got an outstanding warrant for armed robbery a few months ago. A convenience store clerk was shot in the hold up. One of his buddies gave him up as the shooter, but LAPD was unable to locate him." The sound of more keys came through the phone. "Yep, I thought so. The name he signed on the lease of the house is fake."

"Has he been forging his signature on the payments?" Deeks asked excitedly.

"Already checking... Sure enough. Robert Jenkins. I have a death certificate in the name of Robert Jenkins here from 2008. The payments started two months after his death. Looks like Navari was his neighbor previous to his demise. Armed robber and identity thief. He's a keeper," she muttered sarcastically.

"How'd Jenkins die?" Deeks asked curiously.

"Cancer."

"Dang it, can't pin that on him, but I've got plenty of other stuff to work with! Thank you, Nell!" Deeks crowed. He could hear her laughing happily as he hung up. He sent a quick text and washed his hands while he waited for the response. Almost instantly, his phone beeped. Grinning at the single word in the message, he returned to the kitchen.

He found Michelle at the stove, cooking what looked like the beginnings of pasta. "Smells good," he commented, coming up behind her. "Can I help?"

She jumped at his voice. Clearly, her mind had been elsewhere. "Marty..." He frowned at the genuinely concerned look on her face. "Please, I know... I know this looks bad, but Andrew-"

"Don't," He cut her off firmly. "Just don't. Please _do not _make excuses for him. I saw Mom do it enough. He abuses you, and I'm not going to let him get away with it."

"Marty he's all we have! It's thanks to him I have this house. There's no way I would be able to afford this on my own. The kids need a father figure and he's been in their lives long enough to be that for them!"

"Yes, the same kind of father we had. The father you were terrified of," Deeks reminded her. "When he gets tired of you, he'll move on to them. They always do. Tell me he's never hit Danielle in a drunken rage."

Her flinch was answer enough. Deeks gritted his teeth in anger.

"I won't let him do this."

"Marty he loves me!" she tried desperately.

"Does he? Really? He tells you he'll never do it again? You've been in the hospital eleven times in the past three years. Doesn't that tell you something? He won't stop!" Deeks said angrily.

She opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by the front door slamming. "Whose car is in my driveway?" a man's voice said loudly and angrily. "Who did you bring home this time, you damn who-" The huge, dark haired man Deeks assumed was Andrew Navari stopped in the doorway, taking in Deeks' proximity to Michelle. She immediately stepped away from him. "Who're you?" he demanded with a glare.

"Baby, this is m-"

"Shut up," Navari snapped, not even taking his eyes off Deeks. Michelle obeyed meekly, drawing herself in defensively.

Furious, Deeks said coldly, "She was just answering your question."

"I was askin' you," Navari fumed.

"You'll get the same answer either way," Deeks retorted.

"Would you just answer the damn question?" Navari roared.

Just to piss him off, Deeks hesitated a few seconds before replying, "A cop."

"Well you're trespassing," Navari said confidently. "Get out."

At this Deeks laughed coldly, drawing a somewhat incredulous glare from Navari and a frightened glance from Michelle. "I can't do that. I have some business here."

"What business could you possibly have in my house?" he spat.

"LAPD's looking for you, did you know that?" Deeks asked threateningly, watching closely as this news hit home. The man's dark, beady eyes widened slightly, but he was otherwise calm. Michelle on the other hand, stiffened beside him.

"Yeah? What for? I ain't done nothing."

Deeks chuckled again, trying to hide his violent fury at the man's nerve. "Armed robbery. Was it really necessary to shoot the guy, Andy?" This time Navari shifted nervously. "Or should I call you Robert, because he's technically the guy who owns this house, right?" Now Deeks saw the subtle muscle tensing that came right before a suspect started running. However, before he could grab his gun, a new voice spoke from behind him.

"Don't run, please. I'd really rather not do all the paperwork that would come with shooting you." Deeks grinned at the dry voice of his partner. Navari tensed. Shaking his head, Deeks saw the wheels turning in the bastard's head. He easily followed his thought process. _Female voice, females are weak, I could easily overpower her and get away. _

Sure enough, not two seconds later, the man turned and raised his hand to smack Kensi out of the way. Thankfully, she'd also seen it coming and before he could even lower his hand, her booted foot had appeared between his legs.

The sharp yelp that came from Navari as he collapsed was piercing, but satisfying. The horrified gasp that left his sister's mouth, however, was enough to almost make Marty feel guilty. _Almost_.

Kensi stood over the man and sighed. "I said _don't_ run, you idiot. You're lucky I didn't do worse."

Deeks rolled his eyes. "We've had this conversation before Kens. There's not much else out there worse than that."

Kensi rolled her eyes right back at him. "_Men,_" she muttered as she grabbed Navari's hands and forced them behind his back. She made sure the cuffs were just a little too tight, and hauled him up from the floor. "Oh, you big baby," she chastised as he whimpered loudly.

"Marty..." Michelle whispered from the stove, where she'd stood silently during the entire confrontation.

Deeks looked to Kensi, who nodded and snapped, "Come on," to her prisoner, yanking him toward the front door. He watched them go to make sure the man didn't try anything before returning to his sister's side.

She looked out the window as Kensi stuffed Navari into her car, cuffing him to the back of the passenger seat. "Marty, I know he isn't a good man. I've suspected him of doing things like... like what you said he did for a while now, and he... he isn't nice." She ignored her brother's snort at this last statement. "But, Marty... I haven't been able to get a solid job in years... He takes care of us." She was fighting tears.

Again, Deeks felt slightly guilty when she brought up the kids, but he held his ground. "Shelly, no, he didn't. Financially, maybe, but that was it, and it wasn't even legal. He didn't take care of you, look at yourself!" He gestured to her various injuries. "He's just like Dad was, and I'm not going to let him hurt you anymore than I did Dad. You're my baby sister. I'm going to protect you no matter what you get yourself into."

Michelle was crying in earnest now, and he gently gathered her into his arms. "Hey," he whispered into her hair, "Hey, it'll be okay, I'm here now, and I won't let anything happen to you. He won't hurt you or the kids anymore."

Sniffling, Michelle pulled back slightly so she could speak. "I just don't know what I'm going to do, I have to take care of the kids, I need to get a job and I don't even know where to begin looking-"

"Hey," Deeks stopped her slightly panicked ramblings. "Why don't you come live with me?"

Shocked, for a moment all she could do was stare at him.

"Live... Live with you?" she finally gasped. Marty, I... I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you."

"Do what? Keep me company? Give me someone to come home to? Give me a reason to want to go home? Shell, I have nothing but a dog right now. My job is my life. It's empty. Yeah, I have the team, but to have a family to go home to... Please? My apartment's pretty big, I have a spare room and a pullout, you could have my room-"

"No," Michelle interrupted firmly. "No." Just as he felt his heart start to break, she added, "I will not let you kick yourself out of your own bedroom. I... I will take the pullout."

"So you'll come?" Marty asked, feeling his face break into a huge smile.

Hesitantly, she nodded, and said, "Someone has to take care of you."

Laughing with joy, he hugged her tightly and then said, "Let's go tell the kids."

Grinning tearfully at his childlike excitement, Michelle let her brother lead her out of the house haunted with so many painful memories.  
>_<p>

**Well, I haven't quite made friends with the very end of this chapter yet, but after some serious editing, I still haven't figured out how to make it right. Haha, I was actually going to have Navari come quietly, but I figured I'd let Kensi have her fun. Feedback would be lovely, as always! I'm not sure if I should continue this storyline yet... I have some vague ideas, but let me know what you think! Next chapter is Jack. **

**REVIEWS MAKE ME HAPPY! :)**


	4. Jack

**Okay, I totally meant to have this up a week ago, but AT&T decided that we didn't deserve internet. So we called a guy out to fix it, and he screwed up not only our internet but our TV as well. Story of everyone's life, huh? Sigh. We finally got our internet back up like ten minutes ago. I need FanFiction!**

Glaring at the expense report she was supposed to be filling out for yet another ruined dress, Kensi sighed. She looked up at Deeks desk, where he sat, on the phone with his sister. They'd been living together for a few weeks now, and he was happier than she'd ever seen him. He was laughing at something she'd said, and telling her he'd be home in an hour, telling her not to wait up, and that he'd grab some food on his way home. Kensi almost snorted at that. Michelle was an amazing cook, and it was something she loved doing. She wouldn't let Marty in the house with take-out.

Watching him, Kensi felt a flash of envy. She missed the comfortable conversations like that. She ached for someone to go home to every night. She glanced up at the Ops center. Blinking blue, red and green lights still decorated the ceiling outside the doors, indicating that someone was still there. Hoping it was Eric, Kensi abandoned the report and casually made her way up the stairs.

When she reached the top step, Kensi smiled in relief when she heard the tech's voice. She was took a few steps forward, but froze when she realized that he wasn't alone. And that he was talking about her.

"- around Christmas there was that guy who was faking PTSD and she got really involved in the case?

"Yeah, vaguely," came Nell's innocent voice. "She was engaged to a guy who actually had PTSD right? That's why she knew so much about it, and why she was so emotionally invested in the case."

"Right," Eric confirmed. "I think... I think he's who she wanted me to find."

Kensi tucked herself into a little niche in the wall just outside Ops, listening to their conversation shamelessly. _If they're going to talk about me, I'm going to listen, _she rationalized.

"Did you?" Nell asked curiously.

Kensi could hear Eric's sigh from outside. Her heart picked up tempo, and she refused to think about all the very bad reasons for that sigh. _Maybe he just doesn't want to admit to her that he couldn't find him..._

"Yep. Or rather, I found his grave."

Kensi was suddenly very grateful for the wall behind her. She fell back against it in shock. _His grave..._ Vaguely, she realized that Eric was still speaking, and fought over the ringing in her ears to listen.

"- overdosed on prescription sedatives about four years ago. It was ruled accidental, but LAPD suspected that it was a suicide. He wasn't the usual type found out in the streets. Ironically, he's in the same cemetery as Callen's sister, listed as a John Doe. They couldn't find anyone to identify him, and apparently were too lazy to do a DNA test. He was really difficult to locate, I had to do it through dental records. After he left Kensi, he just kind of disappeared..."

Eric's voice was getting fainter. Blinking, Kensi found herself halfway down the stairs. She hadn't even realized she was walking. Blindly, she walked out of the building into the hot, damp night.

_Suspect it was a suicide... after he left Kensi, he just kind of disappeared... overdosed... suicide..._ Eric's words floated around in her head, taking over. She couldn't think of anything but what he'd said. _Suicide... _that word in particular taunted her. _You didn't try hard enough, you didn't love him enough, _it accused. _It's your fault..._

"No..." Kensi whispered. "No, no, no..." She numbly registered that she was on the beach, gasping for breath, legs aching. The crashing waves added to the cacophony in her head, making the words even louder. _It's your fault... _"No..." She fell to her knees in the sand, shaking her head. "No, no, no..."

"Hey, you guys seen Kens?" Deeks asked. Michelle had invited her over for dinner again tomorrow. He had laughed at her "innocent" invitation. His sister was back in his life for two weeks, and already she was trying to set him up. Typical little sisters.

"Think she went upstairs," Sam answered distractedly. He and Callen were playing some sort of card game, and Callen was winning. "Hey, that was a queen of diamonds, not hearts!"

Callen grinned and shuffled his handful of cards. "Prove it," he challenged with a smirk. Deeks laughed as he passed.

"Hey Eric!" he called from the bullpen. When the tech's blonde head appeared over the railing, he asked, "Kensi up there?"

Eric shook his head, saying, "Haven't seen her."

"Huh," Deeks grunted. "Maybe she went to the gym." He pounded down the steps into the well equipped work out area, glancing around. She wasn't one of the few agents down there, and she wasn't in the shooting range either. Deeks frowned. Where had she gone?

A few minutes later, he reentered the bullpen. "Guys, I can't find her anywhere," he said worriedly.

Callen snorted. "Maybe she's avoiding you," he suggested without looking up from the cards that were spread between the two partners.

"I haven't done anything to piss her off today," Deeks countered.

This caused both men to raise their eyes from the deck and give him incredulous looks. "Well, okay, I haven't done anything to piss her off in the last two hours," Deeks amended. "And I know she didn't leave, her stuff and her car are still here."

Sam rolled his eyes and yelled, "Yo, Eric!" The annoyed surfer once more appeared at the railing. "You summoned?" he retorted sarcastically.

"Trace Kensi's cell so Deeks doesn't have a heart attack," Sam said. "_Please?_" he added at the raised eyebrow he received. Rolling his eyes, Eric returned to his lair.

A few impatient moments (on Deeks' part) later, he reappeared, a frown on his face. "Guys she's three miles from here. Looks like she's headed for the beach."

At this, both Sam and Callen stopped chuckling. "Okay, that's weird," Sam acknowledged. Deeks frowned. He knew his partner, and he knew that, like many people, she went to the beach when she was upset. Why would she go so suddenly though? _Something must have really rattled her, _he mused. Then it hit him.

He raced up the steps, and beckoned to Eric at the top. "Did you find Jack?" he asked quietly, not wasting any time explaining. Eric looked startled. "She told y-"

"Eric," Deeks said curtly.

The techie seemed to understand that it was urgent. "Yeah, he's dead. Has been for four years, they think it was a suicide, but it was never proven," he said remorsefully.

Deeks let out the breath he'd been holding. "Did you tell her?"

Eric shook his head. "Did you tell anyone?" Deeks asked impatiently.

"I just found him today," Eric protested, but at the look he got from the liaison, he admitted, "Yeah, I told Nell a little while ago. I wasn't sure how to tell Kensi, so I thought I'd get a little advice."

Deeks groaned. "What?" Eric asked defensively. "Nell wouldn't tell her!"

"I know that, but Sam and Callen said Kensi was up here a little while ago. Just because you didn't see her doesn't mean she wasn't," Deeks said, frustrated. He saw Eric's eyes widen in horrified realization.

"I didn't..."

"I know. I just need to find her. Send the trace to my phone, 'kay?" Deeks didn't wait for a response before rushing downstairs and out the door. Feeling awful, Eric returned to the computers. _Oh, Kensi,_ he thought guiltily, _I didn't mean for you to find out that way... I'm so sorry..._

Kensi knelt in the sand, clutching her stomach, literally holding herself together. "No," she murmured, over and over again. She wasn't really aware of what exactly she was denying at this point. She wasn't entirely sure how long she'd been there when she felt him sit down next to her.

He didn't say anything, just sat there. Finally, when she couldn't take the silence between them anymore, she gathered the strength to lift her head. "You know?" she whispered hoarsely.

Deeks sat staring out at the ocean. After a moment, he turned his head to her. "Not if you don't want me to," he responded earnestly.

Kensi took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself, to focus on Deeks. "_Suicide,_ Deeks. He... he killed himself. How could he kill himself?" she said, hopelessly trying to make sense of what had happened.

"They couldn't prove that," Deeks reminded her softly. 

She gave a harsh, humorless laugh that told him she didn't need proof.

"I couldn't help him. I tried everything... I helped, I watched, I calmed him, I... Why was it so hard?" she asked desperately. "Why wasn't I good enough?"

She jumped when Deeks suddenly grabbed her shoulders, pulling her closer to him, forcing her to face him. "You did everything you could Kens, you just said it yourself. _He_ made the choice to leave. It wasn't anything you did, it was his choice, and his choice alone."

Kensi was shaking her head. "No, no, it was my fault, I didn't try hard enough, I didn't love him enough to make him want to stay! It's _my_ fault Deeks, it's my fault," she finally gave voice to the demons who had been haunting her ever since she heard. She was crying now, the tears she'd held back for so long finally slipping past her carefully constructed walls.

At her words, Deeks' own eyes filled as well. "_No, _Kensi. _No._ It was not your fault, Kens, how could you even think that? You did _not_ force him to leave, you loved him, and you helped him through whatever came your way. You were what, twenty-one? Kens, you were both so young. That was a hard thing to deal with at any age! You were there for him for every step. _He_ made the choice, without you, to leave the path you were on together. It wasn't fair for either of you. Kensi, listen to me," he slid his fingers beneath her chin, gently pulling her head toward him. Her tear stained face glistened in the moonlight. Dark, mismatched eyes met clear blue ones. "It was not your fault."

Slowly, she nodded, shaking loose more tears. With a deep, shuddering breath, she whispered, "It was _not_ my fault." Deeks could tell she didn't quite believe the words yet, and he gently drew her to him, gathering her in his arms on the sand. She willingly obliged, burying her face in his neck.

The two sat there for a long time. Kensi cried until she couldn't anymore, and Deeks rocked her back and forth, his shirt soaking up her pain. When her sobs subsided into little gasps and hiccups, he pulled back slightly to look into her eyes. "Let's go home?" She nodded and accepted his hand to help her stand up. He noticed her slight wince, and couldn't help a soft chuckle.

"You are going to be sore tomorrow," he commented. "Why on earth did you run here?"

Kensi smiled ruefully. "I have no idea, I don't even remember it."

Deeks wrapped his arm around her shoulders and said, "Well, I drove here, so we'll take my car. Your place or mine?"

She snorted at his innuendo. "Classy, Deeks," she teased softly. "Michelle and the kids are at your place, right?"

Deeks' eyes widened. "Crap. I am going to get hell from everybody! I left my phone in the car!"

Kensi smiled a little when the reached the car and Deeks discovered that he had sixteen missed calls and seven new voicemails. "Not good, not good, not good," he chanted as he ignored the messages.

"Hey, Shelly, its' m-" was all he got out on the first call he made. Kensi snickered quietly at the loud voice on the other end. "Yes, I'm fine, I jus- I know I said-" he waited patiently for the tirade to end. "I'm at the beach, it's a long story," he finally got in. Kensi distinctly heard his sister yell, "The beach? It's two A.M.!"

Startled, Kensi looked at the clock on the dashboard. Sure enough, the little glowing numbers informed her that it was 2:07 in the morning. It had been around ten P.M. when she'd last checked the time, back at the mission.

"Yes, I will tell her. I promise. Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, 'night," Deeks murmured as he hung up the phone. He stared at it for a moment, then decided, "I'm just going to text the others." Kensi smiled in agreement.

A few minutes later, they were pulling into her driveway. Deeks turned the car off and looked over at her. "This is it," he said tentatively, when she didn't move. She sighed in response.

"It's empty," she said cryptically as she finally pushed the door open. Deeks frowned, but didn't ask. He followed her up to her door and watched worriedly as she unlocked it and disarmed the security system. She didn't seem to really register what exactly she was doing.

"You hungry?" he asked quietly as he set down his bag. Kensi was staring around her home as if she'd never seen it before. She shook her head slightly. "No, but make yourself at home. I'm going to go take a shower." Without waiting for a response, she padded down the hallway to the master bedroom.

She numbly started the water, running it hotter than she normally would, ignoring the burning heat as she stepped in. She stared at the tiles lining the walls of her shower for a long time. Finally, exhausted, she sank to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest, and cried. Not huge, heart-wrenching sobs like out on the beach, but a silent surrender to the emotions gathering in her chest.

Deeks rummaged around in her cupboards, searching for something to eat that required little to no effort to prepare. Coming across a few granola bars, he grabbed them and returned to the living room. Looking around, he tried to see what Kensi had been seeing tonight when she walked in.

The room was filled with little trinkets, souvenirs, and the worn, comfortable couch was piled high with blankets. It was a very lived in room, he mused. The walls were a comforting beige that went with everything, and a few paintings dotted the room. Suddenly he made the connection to her comment in the car. _It's empty._

There were no pictures, anywhere. Nothing personal. He understood that, it was an occupational hazard. But the room itself was also very neutral. She had made very few changes to any of the rooms in her house. Her stuff filled every room, but stuff was easily packed up in boxes and shipped away. Her house was easy to leave, he realized. Her stuff she can take anywhere, but she doesn't get attached to the house.

And most conspicuously, there was no one in the house except her. She lived a lonely life. They all did really. They're old friends had no idea what they did, and the new ones didn't even know their names. Their relationships were based on lies.

He and Sam were lucky, he thought. They had a family to go home to, people to love and greet them after a terrible day of killing and blood and greed. They had someone- several someones- to distract them, to make them forget all the violence they'd seen that day. Kensi and Callen had no one. They had empty houses. Callen didn't even attempt to pretend his was a home. Kensi made an effort, but even he could see that her heart wasn't fully in it. She'd probably been thinking of why she'd been forced to move again when she was unpacking, and most likely wondering when she'd have to do it again.

Feeling even more depressed than he had been before he'd gone on his mini psychological tangent, he fell onto the couch. He could still hear the water running in the other room. Groaning, he pulled out his cell phone to listen to the increasingly annoyed messages he'd been left. He found four from Michelle, one from each Sam and Callen, and one from Eric. He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he listened to the increasingly concerned and annoyed messages from his sister. Both Sam's and Callen's had a bit of a suspicious air to them, and were asking about Kensi, and if he knew what was wrong. He didn't pay much attention to them. Eric's message however, caught his attention.

"Hey, Deeks... I, uh... When you see Kensi, can you tell her I'm really sorry? I... shouldn't have told Nell, and uh... anyway, I was going through Jack's case file again, and I found out that when they found him, there was a note in his pocket. It was addressed to Kensi, but there was no last name, so they couldn't get it to her. Um... call me, and I'll give you the information. I hope... I hope Kensi's alright."

Deeks felt bad for the poor techie. He sounded so guilty and sad. He didn't spend much time thinking about Eric though. _A note..._

He quickly sent a text to Eric: _Kensi's fine. Where's the note?_

Deeks set the phone on the coffee table and stretched, not expecting a reply. He was startled when his phone chimed, announcing a text from Eric.

_LAPD evidence. Contact Evan Vinesmith 555-5783 he was the case officer. _

_ Vinesmith, _Deeks thought in surprise. _I know him. _He was a burly man who looked like a bouncer and had a wicked sense of humor and a soft side for anyone he liked. Before Deeks realized what he was doing, he was dialing the number Eric had sent him.

He was about to hit send when the water finally shut off. He looked down and the numbers glowing on his screen. _Tomorrow,_ he promised himself._ Or, well, I guess later today. _The clock read 3:14. Deeks sighed. They had to work tomorrow, he thought with a groan.

He turned out all the lights and locked the doors before trekking back to the master bedroom. It seemed strangely intimate, locking up for the night before joining his partner in her room. Only the faint lamp next to the bed was on, bathing Kensi's damp form in it's warm glow. Deeks shed his overshirt and shoes just inside the door and made his way over to her.

"Kens," he asked softly. Slowly, she turned her head to look at him. "I'm so tired," she murmured hoarsely. He nodded.

"Lie down, okay?" He pulled back the covers so she could slip between them, then draped them over her body. He was reaching out to click the lamp off when she spoke suddenly, urgently.

"Don't leave?" His heart broke at her fragile voice, so afraid, so lonely.

He shook his head. "I won't. I promise." Seeming satisfied, Kensi scooted over to allow him onto the bed. When he climbed in next to her, she immediately moved close to him, wrapping her arms around him for comfort. He reciprocated, understanding her need for contact. It wasn't long before her breathing evened out and became deeper. He, however, laid awake for a long time, thinking about the beautiful, broken woman he held in his arms. The woman who never let anyone see her as weak, who was strong and independent and didn't hesitate to let you know it. The woman who finally let down her walls to him.

Kensi was awoken by a strange vibration at her back. She groggily wondered what it was, but was too tired to investigate. Suddenly the heaviness around her that she'd assumed was her blanket moved. A few moments later, the vibration stopped, and a quiet voice asked warily, "Hello?"

_Deeks,_ Kensi thought. The memories of the night before hit her like a truck, and she closed her eyes again, warding off the exhaustion and sadness that came with them.

"We are?" Deeks asked, sounding confused and a bit suspicious.

Kensi heard Deeks take a breath to say something else, but stopped and laughed instead. "How do you do that?" he muttered, sounding as if he was thinking aloud.

With great effort, Kensi rolled over and opened her eyes to find him staring at his phone. She assumed he'd been hung up on. "Hetty?" she asked knowingly.

He smiled down at her. "Yep, she was calling to let us know that we're taking the day off."

Kensi raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really. So go back to sleep, okay? We didn't get to bed until three. You need more sleep."

"And you don't?" she accused.

She didn't miss the way his eyes darkened slightly. "I have some stuff I need to do," he hedged. "I won't leave though, promise. Sleep, please?"

Reluctantly, she nodded. "Just... don't move for a little while, okay?" He smiled, knowing she wanted him next to her as she fell asleep. She rolled to her side again, as he pulled her close. His comforting presence combined with her exhaustion quickly lulled her to sleep.

The next time she awoke, he was gone. She sat up quickly, hating herself for the spasm of panic that shot through her chest at his absence. She took a quick breath, and froze before laughing at herself in relief. The scent of frying bacon and eggs wafted through the door, and now that she was listening, she could hear the sound of him banging things around in her kitchen.

She pulled herself out of bed and glanced at herself in the mirror to make sure she didn't look absolutely terrifying, and padded down the hall, following the smell of breakfast. Finding the source, she had to smile at the sight of her partner at her stove, muttering under his breath.

"Morning," she said softly.

He jumped, nearly dropping a piece of bacon. "Ahaha, Kensi, how much of that did you hear? That was not meant for a lady's ears..."

She chuckled. "Since when are you so chivalrous?"

He grinned ruefully. "Since my baby sister moved in with me. Now this food isn't as good as hers, but she has been teaching me." He handed her a plate and gestured to the table, joining her a moment later with his own. They ate in comfortable silence until she saw an evidence bag on the counter.

"We get a case?" she asked, frowning at the plastic bag.

"What?" Deeks mumbled, his mouth full of bacon. Kensi rolled her eyes at him and pointed to the object in question. "Oh," Deeks said, swallowing quickly. "Um, no that's actually from an old LAPD case."

"Why's it here?"

Her partner took a deep breath. "I called an old buddy of mine, he was in charge of Jack's case a couple years back." She tensed, not sure where this was going. He got up and broke the seal on the bag, taking out the single piece of worn paper encased inside. He slowly slid it across the table to her. She immediately recognized the handwriting on the front.

"There was no last name, just Kensi, so they couldn't get it to you," Deeks explained softly. She looked up at him, asking a question with her eyes. Understanding, he assured her, "I didn't read it."

She nodded silently, and returned her gaze to the letter. She gently traced her name, running her fingers over the ridges the pen had left. She couldn't help wondering where he had been when he wrote this, what he'd been doing, thinking.

"Kens," Marty's voice softly broke through her thoughts. "You don't have to read it."

She shook her head. "Yes. Yes, I do." With that, she gingerly, reverently, unfolded the note.

_My dearest Kensi,_

_ I know you hate those cheesy beginnings, but I felt it was absolutely necessary. It has been one year, nine months, and twenty-three days since I left. I need you to know that every, single day has been complete torture without you. I haven't been taking my meds, which I know would disappoint you. __They're hard to get on the streets, believe it or not. I don't dare go to a pharmacy, because I know they'll contact you if I get them. _

_ You need to understand why I left. I know it will sound stupid to you, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. I know you try to hide how scared you are every time I have a 'moment,' but I see it. I could always read you too well for your liking, I know. That last one... Kens, I almost killed you. I would have if I hadn't recognized your voice. The last week I was there, I lived in absolute terror that I would end up hurting you. Kensi, if that happened I wouldn't be able to bear it. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. You are the strongest woman I have ever met, and that includes the women I worked with over there, and I know you can protect yourself. I just didn't want our life together to be a terrifying trial, every single day, a fight for sanity and for security. _

_ I love you. You have to know that. You are the only woman I have ever loved with this much intensity. It hurts to be without you. I wake up every morning happy, and then I remember what I did. I believe I did it for the right reasons, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I debated leaving this letter for you, because I know that if you ever do receive it, you will have learned of what I am about to do. Kensi, I am so sorry for this. I just can't take it any longer._

_ I saw you the other day. You were with another man. I could tell you were unhappy. Whenever he tried to touch you, you moved away. I don't even think you realized you were doing it. You seemed lonely, even in a bar full of men who would be more than happy to be in your company for the night. You had this far off look in your eyes, kind of like the one you get when you think about your father. The one that let me know you're missing him more than anything at that moment. But this one was different somehow, and I don't want to sound arrogant, but I know you were thinking of me. I hate that I have given you one more man to miss. I hate that by trying to avoid hurting you, I have done just that. _

_ I know you will probably blame yourself for what is going to happen, just like you blame yourself for everything else. Your heart is too big for your own good. I love that about you, but I'm going to ask you this time to forget me. Forget all the pain I caused you, forget all the fear, all the lonliness. Please. Guilt tears you apart. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. My one last wish in this life is that you be happy and move on. I can't. I need you to do it for me. Find someone who makes you laugh, who will kiss you good morning and tell you he loves you every night. Find someone who will take care of you no matter what, because I couldn't. Find someone you love as much as or more than you loved me. I'm sorry._

_ I love you,_

_ Jack_

The paper was dotted with tear stains, the words blurred in some places. She knew they were his, and she watched as her own joined them, noting the irony. Sniffing, she reached out for Deeks' hand. He gently took it without comment.

"You good?" he asked after a few long moments, during which she stared at the letter, rereading it, memorizing it. She took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yeah," she murmured. "Yeah, I'm good." With mild surprise, she realized she meant it.

She looked up at her partner, at the man who had promised he would never leave her. Peering into his pure blue eyes, she knew he meant what he said, too.

"I'm good," she repeated softly, smiling through her tears.

**Well, it's finally up, and I think I broke my chapter length record again. Yay me! **

**UPDATE! I have decided that I'm not done with this story yet. Yay! However, my muse has run off with some other stories/ideas, so I have no idea how I'm going to finish this one. Hopefully it will be up by the end of the summer, but I'm not sure when :( Keep me on your alerts :) but don't expect anything anytime soon (though who knows, maybe I'll surprise all of us)**


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